I don’t know if anyone reads my blog - thanks if you do! I just feel a need to put out there what goes on for me because I think really many people have no idea what goes on behind the scenes of this website.
In 2005 Tim and I merged our websites to form Latter-dayVillage.com. We both had paid subscription websites for LDS teachers and both sold some mail-order items. We used a lot of the same software. And I know I respected Tim, and looking back now, I guess he respected me, because he is so private and kept very close reins on his business, that to think he agreed to partner with me without ever meeting me in person says a lot.
So it was just the two of us administering the site, and some very talented content contributors and vendors whose materials we happily included, and a lot of wonderful members who made up Latter-day Village. We didn’t have a staff, unless you count our families who sometimes had to pitch in. We worked out of our homes and most days I am lucky to change out of my robe.
Tim set up our computers with webcams, and a few times we actually used them. We mostly used Yahoo Instant Messenger and email, and occasionally the telephone - which I have some weird phobia about. It is remarkable how we were able to run a business with Tim in NE Wyoming and me on the Wasatch Front.
A couple days before Tim died, he sent an email to me from his phone - I had a feeling he was seriously ill and got scared. And I wondered what I would do if . . . I wanted him to not worry about the site, so I emailed him back I would take care of things and left a voice mail and instant messaged his kids - but we didn’t talk. I had a thought about selling LDV. Was it even a possibility? When I got the call from his brother, I knew what he was going to say.
There were several administrative actions I did right away, like forwarding his email to myself etc. In the next few days I had to try to get control of the site and the business without really knowing much of what all he did. And that continued and still continues. I knew that we had vendors to pay, and members who were expecting access to material they had paid for, and customers who were expecting orders to be shipped, and many bills to pay. It was Christmas and I hadn’t been paid. His family had a funeral to plan and pay for. All that, aside from mourning and overcoming the shock. So selling the site was something for future discussions.
Since then I have learned a lot about the nuts and bolts of the technical and accounting and shipping side of things. Really too busy to look very far into the future. Much of it was very dismaying to me - I was so scared about what to do, how to do it, and how to keep it all going so that I had a job and our customers/members got what they needed and expected from LDV.
I was feeling much better about things of late, both in business and personally. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and healing, sorting out and cleaning up. And there is plenty more to do. When the site went down on April Fool’s Day, I felt pretty calm. I knew we did backups of the site. I figured there must be a way to restore it. When the process took longer than I expected, I still did not panic. But I did wonder what I would do if somehow we could not restore the site. I would be in a lot of trouble. But the spirit kept me relatively calm.
I got so many messages from people who needed the site and wondered what was going on - and then of encouragement and gratitude - it really was an eye opener. And when all is said and done, I know that it was a good thing Tim and I merged our sites. It has been work no one else could do or would do. No one else would have a clue and the seminary site would have died. And my site would have died too. I know that since 2005, many many people have benefitted from LDV - and hopefully, many more will in the future.
One of the talks in conference was by Sister Thompson of the RS General Presidency. She quoted the last verse of the song “The Time Is far Spent” and it really struck me -
Be fixed in your purpose, for Satan will try you;
The weight of your calling he perfectly knows.
Your path may be thorny, but Jesus is nigh you;
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.
I have felt like my path is thorny - and I knew that someone was opposed to what I am doing - but did not necessarily see it as “my calling.”
My dear friends, it is a calling - I knew several years ago that my church callings were not the only place the Lord expected me to use my talents. I tried to get a job working for the church - like in the publications department - or even the theater - or to find an existing organization I could become part of that was vibrant and doing good and needing what I had to give, and it just never worked out. So I kept doing my own thing - writing books, and doing my website, and then LDV with Tim - and while I have barely gotten by many months, I have gotten by. I was not set apart by priesthood leaders to do what I do. I was not hired by the church to do what I do. But I do still believe it is my calling. When I think of teachers who come here to find help - ideas, encouragement, inspiration - something that will assist them in their callings with the children and youth and even the adults they teach - and their families - who knows, I will never know, Tim never knew - just how far reaching the impact of this website might possibly be for good, for the gospel cause, for teachers and their students when it is most needed.
I apologize for being weak and allowing myself to be troubled when people are critical that we charge for our services. Sometimes I spend inordinate portions of my time feeling like I must defend my choices - to EVERYONE - but somehow I still get other things done.
The stories this conference of people who suffered for the cause of Zion - pioneers and converts in foreign lands, burying loved ones, suffering debilitations of all kinds - I have to admit, it hit home with me. I have not buried my children in frozen ground. But I have suffered leaving my homeland (Ohio) to come to Zion (Utah) and though that sounds like no big deal, as an 18 year old convert, believe you me, I experienced culture shock that was monumental and which I am still recovering from 33 years later.
I recently realized just what a blow or set of blows it has been for me over the years to be the only active member of the church in my family aside from my two sons. I realized that I have felt a lot of disappointment, grief, lonliness, alienation, and know I have been much misunderstood by my non-member family and friends and my pioneer stock LDS friends and leaders. And now I know that I have been angry about it, but not consciously, for that made no sense - and who do I focus that anger on anyway???? But there it was, I saw I was angry. Perhaps completely worn out from not having any way to acknowledge and express it. Closed down, depressed, exhausted.
But as I listened to conference, I was touched again and again, and I had to ask myself, “So, now you realize how hard it has been to be so alone in this church, to feel so alienated by everyone - would you go back and change your decision to be baptized?”
No. Absolutely not!
It has not been easy. But I know what I know and I must follow suit. I made that decision in 1975 at the age of 16. I knew I’d found what I’d been searching for - for 8 years - and that’s all there was to it. I had no idea it would be such a struggle, that I would sacrifice so much. But there was never any question about it. And there still isn’t.
It might not be walking 1500 miles with rags wrapped around my feet. It might not be sharing my husband with several other wives. It might not be watching my husband be hauled off to jail on trumped up charges, or watching him go off on a mission with sick hungry babies in my arms - or moving to one more desolate area to start over one more time at the call of a prophet. But I am a pioneer.
I feel generations past, present and future depending on me - one single person - to make sure that we all move in the right direction and partake of the saving ordinances so we might be reunited in the hereafter. I am driven on the one hand, and scared spitless on the other. I must have agreed to this. I must have been prepared well for this. But at times, I am so numb I do not know how I can go on.
I am a pioneer.
The website going down (thorns in my path) resulted in correspondence filled with encouragement which fuels me in ways I needed so much. And I have had several wonderful connections made with distant relatives who found my family history website and contacted me - often with information I thought I’d never find - and I know there are those on the other side of the veil helping me and it fills me with immense gratitude.
My sons are dear men. It is deeply gratifying to share life with them, and that they want to share with me. Someday, I WILL be a grandma - I watch my sister and my girlfriends as they enter that stage of life and imagine - but know I can’t begin to imagine what that will feel like.
Manifold will be my blessings in the life to come if I can keep keeping on. And whatever measure of lonliness and alienation I may have felt over the years will be compensated for beyond my ability to comprehend - I just might appreciate it all the more as a result.
At the center, at the source, the foundation of all I have chosen to do in my life is my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He did not turn his back on me. I shall not turn my back on Him. But I could do more to keep in touch, and feel His love for me, and recognize my blessings and realize my potential and feel joy in the journey.
Such are my rambling thoughts this night after General Conference.
God bless us all,
~Debra
