Latter-day Village Square

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog - thanks if you do!  I just feel a need to put out there what goes on for me because I think really many people have no idea what goes on behind the scenes of this website.

In 2005 Tim and I merged our websites to form Latter-dayVillage.com.  We both had paid subscription websites for LDS teachers and both sold some mail-order items.  We used a lot of the same software.  And I know I respected Tim, and looking back now, I guess he respected me, because he is so private and kept very close reins on his business, that to think he agreed to partner with me without ever meeting me in person says a lot.

So it was just the two of us administering the site, and some very talented content contributors and vendors whose materials we happily included, and a lot of wonderful members who made up Latter-day Village.  We didn’t have a staff, unless you count our families who sometimes had to pitch in.  We worked out of our homes and most days I am lucky to change out of my robe.

Tim set up our computers with webcams, and a few times we actually used them.  We mostly used Yahoo Instant Messenger and email, and occasionally the telephone - which I have some weird phobia about.  It is remarkable how we were able to run a business with Tim in NE Wyoming and me on the Wasatch Front.

A couple days before Tim died, he sent an email to me from his phone - I had a feeling he was seriously ill and got scared.  And I wondered what I would do if . . .  I wanted him to not worry about the site, so I emailed him back I would take care of things and left a voice mail and instant messaged his kids - but we didn’t talk.  I had a thought about selling LDV.  Was it even a possibility?  When I got the call from his brother, I knew what he was going to say.

There were several administrative actions I did right away, like forwarding his email to myself etc.  In the next few days I had to try to get control of the site and the business without really knowing much of what all he did.  And that continued and still continues.  I knew that we had vendors to pay, and members who were expecting access to material they had paid for, and customers who were expecting orders to be shipped, and many bills to pay.  It was Christmas and I hadn’t been paid.  His family had a funeral to plan and pay for.  All that, aside from mourning and overcoming the shock.  So selling the site was something for future discussions.

Since then I have learned a lot about the nuts and bolts of the technical and accounting and shipping side of things.  Really too busy to look very far into the future.  Much of it was very dismaying to me - I was so scared about what to do, how to do it, and how to keep it all going so that I had a job and our customers/members got what they needed and expected from LDV.

I was feeling much better about things of late, both in business and personally.  I’ve done a lot of reflecting and healing, sorting out and cleaning up.  And there is plenty more to do.  When the site went down on April Fool’s Day, I felt pretty calm.  I knew we did backups of the site.  I figured there must be a way to restore it.  When the process took longer than I expected, I still did not panic.  But I did wonder what I would do if somehow we could not restore the site.  I would be in a lot of trouble.  But the spirit kept me relatively calm.

I got so many messages from people who needed the site and wondered what was going on - and then of encouragement and gratitude - it really was an eye opener.  And when all is said and done, I know that it was a good thing Tim and I merged our sites.  It has been work no one else could do or would do.  No one else would have a clue and the seminary site would have died.  And my site would have died too.  I know that since 2005, many many people have benefitted from LDV - and hopefully, many more will in the future.

One of the talks in conference was by Sister Thompson of the RS General Presidency.  She quoted the last verse of the song “The Time Is far Spent” and it really struck me -

Be fixed in your purpose, for Satan will try you;
The weight of your calling he perfectly knows.
Your path may be thorny, but Jesus is nigh you;
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.
His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.

I have felt like my path is thorny - and I knew that someone was opposed to what I am doing - but did not necessarily see it as “my calling.”

My dear friends, it is a calling - I knew several years ago that my church callings were not the only place the Lord expected me to use my talents.  I tried to get a job working for the church - like in the publications department - or even the theater - or to find an existing organization I could become part of that was vibrant and doing good and needing what I had to give, and it just never worked out.  So I kept doing my own thing - writing books, and doing my website, and then LDV with Tim - and while I have barely gotten by many months, I have gotten by.  I was not set apart by priesthood leaders to do what I do.  I was not hired by the church to do what I do.  But I do still believe it is my calling.  When I think of teachers who come here to find help - ideas, encouragement, inspiration - something that will assist them in their callings with the children and youth and even the adults they teach - and their families - who knows, I will never know, Tim never knew - just how far reaching the impact of this website might possibly be for good, for the gospel cause, for teachers and their students when it is most needed.

I apologize for being weak and allowing myself to be troubled when people are critical that we charge for our services.  Sometimes I spend inordinate portions of my time feeling like I must defend my choices - to EVERYONE - but somehow I still get other things done.

The stories this conference of people who suffered for the cause of Zion - pioneers and converts in foreign lands, burying loved ones, suffering debilitations of all kinds - I have to admit, it hit home with me.  I have not buried my children in frozen ground.  But I have suffered leaving my homeland (Ohio) to come to Zion (Utah) and though that sounds like no big deal, as an 18 year old convert, believe you me, I experienced culture shock that was monumental and which I am still recovering from 33 years later.

I recently realized just what a blow or set of blows it has been for me over the years to be the only active member of the church in my family aside from my two sons.  I realized that I have felt a lot of disappointment, grief, lonliness, alienation, and know I have been much misunderstood by my non-member family and friends and my pioneer stock LDS friends and leaders.  And now I know that I have been angry about it, but not consciously, for that made no sense - and who do I focus that anger on anyway????  But there it was, I saw I was angry.  Perhaps completely worn out from not having any way to acknowledge and express it.  Closed down, depressed, exhausted.

But as I listened to conference, I was touched again and again, and I had to ask myself, “So, now you realize how hard it has been to be so alone in this church, to feel so alienated by everyone - would you go back and change your decision to be baptized?”

No.  Absolutely not!

It has not been easy.  But I know what I know and I must follow suit.  I made that decision in 1975 at the age of 16.  I knew I’d found what I’d been searching for - for 8 years - and that’s all there was to it.  I had no idea it would be such a struggle, that I would sacrifice so much.  But there was never any question about it.  And there still isn’t.

It might not be walking 1500 miles with rags wrapped around my feet.  It might not be sharing my husband with several other wives.  It might not be watching my husband be hauled off to jail on trumped up charges, or watching him go off on a mission with sick hungry babies in my arms - or moving to one more desolate area to start over one more time at the call of a prophet.  But I am a pioneer.

I feel generations past, present and future depending on me - one single person - to make sure that we all move in the right direction and partake of the saving ordinances so we might be reunited in the hereafter.  I am driven on the one hand, and scared spitless on the other.  I must have agreed to this.  I must have been prepared well for this.  But at times, I am so numb I do not know how I can go on.

I am a pioneer.

The website going down (thorns in my path) resulted in correspondence filled with encouragement which fuels me in ways I needed so much.  And I have had several wonderful connections made with distant relatives who found my family history website and contacted me - often with information I thought I’d never find - and I know there are those on the other side of the veil helping me and it fills me with immense gratitude.

My sons are dear men.  It is deeply gratifying to share life with them, and that they want to share with me.  Someday, I WILL be a grandma - I watch my sister and my girlfriends as they enter that stage of life and imagine - but know I can’t begin to imagine what that will feel like.

Manifold will be my blessings in the life to come if I can keep keeping on.  And whatever measure of lonliness and alienation I may have felt over the years will be compensated for beyond my ability to comprehend - I just might appreciate it all the more as a result.

At the center, at the source, the foundation of all I have chosen to do in my life is my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He did not turn his back on me.  I shall not turn my back on Him.  But I could do more to keep in touch, and feel His love for me, and recognize my blessings and realize my potential and feel joy in the journey.

Such are my rambling thoughts this night after General Conference.

God bless us all,
~Debra

I just wanna vent.  My mom was 40 when I was born.  When I was 34, I moved to Florida from Utah at the same time my mom’s home was blown away in a hurricane.  She came to live with me.  She was 74 by then, and I discovered that her resiliancy had been greatly diminished by having her whole neighborhood wiped off the map, along with her age and the accumulation of a life time of experiences and challenges.  She had always bounced back before, but that time, it really was too profound of a “blow” (no pun intended) for her to ever really recover.  If I had understood that in essence, she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and in a serious depression, I might have guided her to get some mental health care that may have helped.  Ten years later, we DID get her into a wonderful program, but she was in the final stages of leukemia, so she only got the benefit of it for a few short months before passing away.

I’m only 50, but I am feeling the effects of age on me that aren’t a lot of fun to admit.  The trauma I have gone through in the past few months with a divorce and the death of my business partner, and, the loss of my pet as part of the divorce, is really taking its toll on me.  I am finding change more jarring and upsetting than it ever was in the past.  And my brain seems very reluctant to adapt.

Mommy withdrew from living after losing her home, her yard, her belongings, her friends, her routine, all her social life when Andrew roared through Homestead.  So after that, she pretty much gave up on investing in anything at all.  Why invest when you could lose it all?  Not that she didn’t get a fine insurance check, but I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about love.  She loved her life.  And then it was all gone.  Money can’t buy it back.  And she no longer had the will to ever try again.

So I’m watching myself - checking in to see how I am handling the trauma of 2008.  It all happened so fast.  I filed for divorce on November 21, and it was final on December 22.  Even though it was my decision that I made after an extended period of consideration, the way it ended was so jarring and upsetting.  And before I can say BOO - all my pals are inviting me to the “singles” stuff I used to get involved with before my four year (second) marriage.  And I am not liking that.  I don’t want that.  I pretend I’m ok with it, but I’m not really.  I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be part of the single scene.  I feel very displaced.

Tim’s death - I’ve been thinking about that.  Just from my very selfish perspective, it seems like it came after my divorce - but, surely nothing happens by chance . . . surely it was not a surprise to God when Tim died - and so, maybe it was really the other way around.  Maybe it was important for me to get divorced because Tim was going to die.  Tim dying while my marriage was still in tact - that may have been not a good thing, it could have been very complicated legally.  I was dragging my feet, I couldn’t make up my mind or act on my decisions - but something happened and suddenly I was able to make a swift decision, and just in time, maybe, so that it would not get messy when Tim died.

The details are not important, but this situation illustrates how intricate is the weaving of all our lives.  It boggles my mind how all the threads are perfectly known and woven with care by the omniscient weaver. What all was involved and what lies ahead - only He knows, but He DOES know.

I’ve had the hardest time with losing our little puppy, Joe.  I told my husband to take him because he bought Joe and loved that dog like he seems unable to love people.  But no sooner had I told him that than I had second and third and fourth thoughts.  And once they were both gone, I found myself missing Joe more than I ever dreamed.  Animal control in distant cities have called me twice so far saying Joe has been turned in as a stray.  That is like a knife in my heart - and I am beside myself with despair over that little dog - I would have driven 800 miles for him - but he had already been retrieved both times.

Well, two days ago I looked up the humane society online and got a different website for adopting dogs in Utah, and found that there were little Maltese dogs nearby needing a home for a price I could afford.  I immediately hopped in my car and drove an hour and a half to a pet store where one rescued doggy was up for adoption that day.  I determined I would not go home without a dog.  So I found this little girl about the same age as Joe - and I adopted her.  She is a mix - no idea what the other breed is - and it was hard - I kept noticing all the ways she was not like Joe.  Funny how all his annoying behaviors and characteristics now seemed precious to me, nigh unto perfection, so anything different seemed a flaw to me.  Can I love this little girl with longer legs, a longer snout, and a gold streak down her back?  She made short order of loving me!  Oh, it would be nice if we could love so easily as little doggies.

I am very emotional these days.  I think I’d sort of shut down emotionally in the past year and a half because the feelings that were hovering just below the surface were so not fun and I didn’t feel safe expressing them. So now, they are starting to come out. It makes it hard to work and go to church when I feel so emotionally fragile.  But I have a lot of support.  And for that I am so grateful.  I’ve got family and friends and my ward - a good strong support system so no one of them has to bear too much of my neediness right now.

And then there is this invitation - to find my companionship in the Savior.  He isn’t loud and insistant - but everyonceinawhile I feel a gentle reminder that he is right here - he’ll talk anytime - and I fall asleep before He does.  He’ll go to the store with me, or walk the dog with me, or go to the pool with me, look at the stars with me . . . I’ve never needed to feel alone, and this time around, maybe I’ll get it - and take advantage of the offer that was always there.  He looketh upon the heart.

Not like me - though I am losing my eyesight a little at a time, my eyes still are VERY capable of playing tricks on me.  My brain seems rigid and this old dog finds it hard to learn new tricks.

~Debra

Today was Tim’s funeral in Orem.  Yesterday was blizzard like here in Utah County, but the storm abated - if the Christmas shopping did not.  My sons, Bill & Max, and I attended the funeral at the Sundberg Olpin Funeral Home in Orem.  It was nice to meet Dolores and Tim’s children, mother, brother and other family and friends.  Tim grew up in Orem from Junior High on, and his best childhood friend, Kenn Hughes, was invited to speak - what fun to hear of Tim’s early adventures!  The second speaker met Tim when he used to manage a Radio Shack at University Mall, and worked with him there and later when he was working at WordPerfect Corporation.  I could relate to much of what he said about Tim - and as I had also worked at WordPerfect for about a year and a half in the early 90’s - it stirred up other memories for me too.  A male quartet sang I Need Thee Every Hour - and Tim’s cousin gave the Eulogy and shared some family memories.  A former bishop of the Holder family conducted and closed the meeting with his own comments.  It was a very warm service, and I am so glad we were able to make it.  We went to the Orem City Cemetary (which is very close to the old WordPerfect campus) for the graveside service/dedication (Tim’s father-in-law dedicated the grave), and then the family invited us to come to the luncheon down in Santaquin.

Tim’s son John asked us to come sit with he and his family at the luncheon and we had a nice visit with they and Dolores.  She invited my son Bill to say the prayer.  Kenn had mentioned, and John elaborated, that Tim played the violin beautifully!  This was fun to learn about Tim!  John described how Tim ran the LDV shipping like a military operation.  It was a special treat to visit with Shirley, Tim’s mom.  The grandchildren varied in their response to the days events, but at the luncheon they had great fun in the cultural hall of the “only true church building” (really, it is quite an interesting older building) sliding on the hardwood floor and playing games.

Tim’s son Lyal had driven his truck down, the bed full of boxes of inventory for LDV.  We transferred the boxes into my son’s two cars.  And as we were leaving, the snow started back up.  Traffic heading north on I-15 was bad as we approached the “shopping” exits - really the whole way was pretty heavy.  I had sworn off shopping the days just before Christmas, but alas, Mother Hubbard’s Cupboards were bare and there were a couple of things I still needed to buy for Christmas, so we tackled the crowds at Walmart in Payson and got what we needed and made it home safely.

It was pretty upbeat - we figure Tim is already busy with a new assignment.  Yet, I recall my father’s funeral, and how the hard part came about a month later for me, age 22.  Mourning is different for everyone, but it seems of a sudden, feelings will wash over and overwhelm you when you least expect it.  Any little sound or site or smell could remind me of the most off-the-wall memory of my dad and set me into an emotional tailspin.  On the other hand, also when I least expected it, I’d feel Dad with me when I needed him most.  Times Mom couldn’t be there, he was.  Mom died when I was 44.  I’ve learned to say thanks out loud when I suddenly know exactly where to look for those lost keys or shoes, Mom most assuredly has helped me find. God bless each of the Holder’s as they go through their mourning for this man.

I’ve had offers of help with LDV from many quarters.  But there is no replacing Tim.  This was his baby, so he had double the dedication to it than his already innate sense of integrity and hard work.  And that just can’t be duplicated.  Like the original owner of a beloved car - no one else can quite appreciate nor coax to run smoothly.  Yet, I will do my best and rally the troops and we will keep going.

Tim loved music.  He loved to eat.  He loved computers. He loved to teach the gospel, and he loved being a grandpa.  He helped so many people.  He will be sorely missed and well remembered.

~Debra

TIM HOLDER MEMORIAL FUND

It is so difficult to have to deal with essential business at the time a loved one passes, but then again, it gives you something to focus on and DO when you can’t process all your emotions at first.

What I have been doing is notifying our internet community about Tim’s death, tending to the orders we received after Tim was too ill to fill them, disabling products that required Tim’s involvement, and working with the family to set up a Tim Holder Memorial Fund donation page here at LDV.  I’ve also managed the messages of sympathy that have been flowing in so that they appear in the comments section of this blog.

Tim and Dolores have a large family.  All their children are adults now.  They have been busy as well, through their shock and grief, taking care of much business to plan the funeral, and make needed arrangements.  Courtney, Liz, Lyal and John are with their mom in Gillette, making arrangements there.  Heidi and Tim’s brother Richard and other family in Utah are working on the funeral and burial in Orem.

What Can WE Do?

PLEASE VISIT THE TIM HOLDER MEMORIAL FUND page for information about how you can help and more information about the funeral services that are planned.  I should have an obituary online soon as well.

All this sounds so heartless! I have cried, but I am sure I haven’t processed most of my feelings.  On top of everything else, my internet friends, I am in the middle of a painful divorce.  I cannot believe all of this is happening at once.  The support I have been receiving from all over has been so sweet to me.  God is watching over us.  I will love to hear that you have placed the Holder Family and Woods Family on the prayer rolls of your local temple.  I KNOW there is great power in all your prayers.

Tim made terrific sacrifices for the things that mattered most to him, more than any of us ever understood.

We choose what we give our strength to.  People who know me always say how strong I am.  While this I take as a compliment - I learned some years back that I still bleed when I get cut, and bruise, and sprain - and my heart is injured just like anyone else’s - strength notwithstanding.  The blows of life are hard for me to let go of.  I am healing from some pretty old wounds as it is.  I realize through my current challenges, how many dear friends I have, how much support I’ve gotten, and that the Lord has never ceased to watch over me, and I’ve received protection in many ways.

Tim made it possible for me to pursue creative ideas that I was unable to cause on my own.  I trusted him.  He trusted me.  And we never even met in person!  What a different world we live in now compared to 15 years ago.  He told me it was good to have someone to give him feedback - and when he struggled with a technical problem, I had at least some idea of what he was talking about (just SO glad he was the one handling it and not ME), and that meant a lot to him.  He would fuss at me if I forgot to log back in to my instant messenger account and not be available to him.  His internet community became more important to him these past few years since he couldn’t go out and rub shoulders with friends and colleagues as he always had in the past.  That he played a vital role for so many people around the world - wonderful people who were teaching the gospel - this brought him great satisfaction.  And when the rest of the world was always pushing the envelope - forcing new technologies and standards on us, Tim thought of the little elderly seminary teacher in the mission field with dial-up internet and an old computer - to make sure we were still meeting THEIR needs.

We tend to hear from folks mostly when there is a problem.  I know I personally do not write notes of thanks to my favorite and most helpful web resources, but do fill out trouble tickets and call support when I’m frustrated with a problem - and so it was with Latter-day Village.  You get a lopsided view when each day you deal with complaints - proportionately, many more complaints than compliments came through - and honestly - neither Tim nor I ever fielded a complaint that didn’t hurt at least a little.  Tim handled most of them.  To think he just cowboyed up and took them day in and out, quick to solve problems - sometimes working very long and frustrating hours getting things figured out.  But one little compliment or note of gratitude would make his day - same with me.

So I will say thanks to our subscribers and customers and visitors, and associates, vendors, authors, artists, family and friends whose support has poured in these past few days.  Messages of faith, concern, gratitude, sympathy and shared dismay, it is what the gospel teaches us in Mosiah 18:9 -

• Yea, and are ^awilling to mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the ^dfirst resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

Thank you for putting your faith into action.

God bless,

Debra Woods

Tim Holder, webmaster of Latter-day Village, passed away December 14, 2008 at his home in Gillette, Wyoming after suffering from deteriorating health for the past few weeks.

Tim, we know you are doing great where you are, but we are left with a huge hole here in your absence.

I don’t know if anyone had any idea just how devoted Tim was to this website, and how much it meant to him to be of service to our subscribers, customers and visitors.

One tiny bit of thanks went a long way with Tim, and so I thought it would be appropriate to set up this blog - I figure he has already figured out how to get online on the other side of the veil - and if he has better things to do, those of us left behind, his friends and family, can be comforted as we share our thoughts about Tim now.

Please add your comments.

I will post information about his funeral as well as the Tim Holder Memorial Fund which we hope to have set up soon.  This was an unexpected and unplanned for loss.  I am hoping to generate enough so his family can pay for the costs involved.

We love you Tim!

Debra

I am sorry I am late with these bookmarks! Where does the time go? This month there is not a specific message for Visiting Teaching - we are invited to choose a message from the Conference Report to share with our sisters. I decided to use the photo on the front of the November Ensign - when have we more needed to know we are lead by a living prophet we can depend on?

Here is a link to the bookmark -
http://latter-dayvillage.com/sampler/article.php?id=552

God bless you all -
~ Debra
“Fear not - though the enemy deride! Courage! For the Lord is on our side. We will heed not what the wicked may say, but the Lord alone we will obey!” Let Us All Press On - Hymns, 243

Why does the Internet have to be so hard?

I may have reached the point where my brain functionality has reached a peak with respect to what it takes to master the internet.  To tell you how I reached the conclusion, I have to go back a few days.

Recently our dedicated web server saw in increase in attacks from malicious internet sources. They could be the Russian Mafia, Romanian teenage cyber-thugs, or just a rogue internet thief looking to score some personal data.  Whatever the source, the attacks were giving our old security setup fits.  (NOTE: If you don’t believe your computer is under attack when it is connected to the internet, you are WRONG.  Look at your software firewall log and you will be SHOCKED at everyone trying to compromise your computer. Imagine how much harder they try to get into known internet web servers.)

We experienced this once before; our Linux web server was compromised, however, no personal data was stolen or damaged; the perps simply used it to send out gobs of spam.  At that time we elected to place our dedicated web server behind a hardware firewall, a device that filters and traps only allowed internet traffic through to the actual server machine itself.  This really helped, but even then we had configuration issues in getting all of the services to run correctly behind the firewall.

So dejavu all over again; we asked our data center staff to ‘harden’ our web server to increase data security.  Linux servers by default only have login password security; some have software firewalls running at installation, ours does not.  Hardening increases web server data integrity by decreasing the ways and methods of getting to that data. This protects the system from hostile network traffic, Denial of Service (DDOS) attacks, and security breeches. It includes many steps that we will not outline here; why give you enemies your game plan?  The hardening was done by our data center staff, but was not 100% error free the first run through.

I am only going to list here two problems we encountered along with their results. I do this to inform our users about times they were not able to take full advantage of our services. Of course we would have preferred a 100% error free procedure, but the long-term server hardening benefits we gained will far outweigh these short term disruptions.

1.      After a reboot, the server did not load the correct IP information. Internet traffic getting through our firewall did not reach the server as it did not have the correct configuration. This resulted in a several hour ‘outage’ very early Friday morning. After I reported this to the data center, they fixed the problem and all of our web sites were again operational.

2.      Email service for latter-dayvillage.com was down beginning at this same time.  New security measures meant that name addresses (DNS) information for LDV’s email server was not updated properly. This is really a good thing, meaning a hacker should be able to maliciously change these settings.  It took our data center staff a while to pinpoint and fix the problem (I provide mail server log information).  Late Friday afternoon our assigned system administrator realized what the problem was and fixed it.  Email service into LDV, including our email lists, was down for about eight hours on Friday.

There. Debra and I are feeling much more confident in our system security, and I have much more faith in our data center staff; they were very responsive and provided the information I needed to understand this upgrade process and its effects.

Yes, the internet is hard sometimes; harder than you would think to run an internet business. We are learning and getting better at it every day!

FYI: if you would like some technical details on Linux server hardening, see this list for an idea of the changes required.

We’ve gotten lots of requests for the 4th Quarter Lesson Handouts for the YW 3 Manual - and AT LAST they are in our store!

As usual, Courtney White has done an excellent job creating these beautiful lesson handouts with her gorgeous photography and sensitivity to the needs of our youth.

This particular collection has 2 lessons about general conference. There is a Conference Companion handout included.